Retrospective Lily

Well…hello there. It’s been a while.

I last wrote a post for this site about two years ago. Did you miss me? Do you even remember who I am? I hope so!

I have a few things to say, and it feels a little jumbled in my head, so forgive me if this is less structured than most of my old posts. It’ll certainly be less manicured, but maybe I’ll make up for it with heart.

Let’s begin, shall we?

Prior to my two year hiatus, I had been in a long-term relationship for several years (since before starting my blog), then we got engaged. Close to the time I stopped blogging, we broke up. I see in hindsight that it was the best thing that could’ve happened, but my world was turned upside down at the time. We all know how formative the 20’s are; I spent most of those years with one person.

As you might imagine, getting dumped by said person was a hard pill to swallow. In a way, the trajectory of my life changed. And I was alone for the first time since before reaching the legal drinking age.

That next year was one of the most transformative of my life – a period of metamorphosis, really. I blossomed in my confidence, personal style, social life, etc. I went on dates. I figured out what I want and need in a partner. I learned more about myself, too. We’re all works in progress, so I’ll always be on a self-discovery journey, but yeah…it was a big year.

I think a necessary part of this growth process was experimenting with creative outlets and exploring –

How do I wish to spend my free time?

What fulfills me?

How do I want to present myself in the world?

Looking back, I see this part actually began before the break-up and was waaayy amplified afterwards.

Maybe half a year before it happened, I had begun posting YouTube videos, throwing different things at the wall to see what stuck – Christian videos, political/social commentary videos, etc. I settled on disability-related videos as something unique and important I could contribute to the world. Then, a little later, I made a second channel about indoor plants and posted a couple videos.

Before everything went down, making videos was a fun hobby I was trying on the side. Afterwards, I got serious. I was posting on the plant channel twice a week for a while. I reached almost 500 subscribers. (SN: I wasn’t writing at all…I wonder if it’s because blogging felt like part of my old life, and I wanted to escape that feeling, so I shifted ALL my focus to a different creative outlet?)

Over half a year ago, towards the end of my year of singleness, I met my current partner. He is a funny, handsome, Christian Southern gentleman who takes care of me. What a dream!

When I started dating him, I had less free time, and I took an unplanned break from my plant channel (my posts on the disability-related channel have always been sporadic). Though I did miss having a creative outlet, I also started reflecting on some important questions –

Is this really what I’m meant to do with my life?

Is this part of my contribution to the world, or is it a waste of my time?

What is my purpose?

Questions we can all relate to, I’m sure.

As I quickly approach age 30, I’m floundering even more, and I’m realizing part of the problem is my addictive personality. The other part is my vivacity.

I was obsessed with commentary videos for a while, so I tried making them myself. I was obsessed with plants and plant videos for a while, so I sunk countless hours into filming and editing my own videos, and my room is overrun with plants because I’ve managed to still keep most of them alive. In the last few months, I’ve become fixated on fashion and outfit inspiration videos, so…you guessed it…I’ve been making them myself, on a third channel. And that’s not to mention all of my past endeavors, like the time I tried to be a Bookstagrammer (my book shelves aren’t aesthetically-pleasing and I can’t read 20 books per month, so it was a no-go).

I’ve posted less than a handful of fashion videos, yet I’m already back to asking –

What’s the point?

Is this what I’m made for?

Maybe I’m thinking too hard – can’t we just do fun things for fun? Does everything have to have a purpose? But, then again, life is short and time is limited. Could I spend my time on things that are more satisfying on a soul-level than, say, trying on outfits or ogling over pretty plants?

A few months ago, my brother’s new girlfriend mentioned she writes poems for fun, and something inside me lit up. On a whim, I created a poetry blog. I’ve had an absolute ball with it! I’m reminded that, in spite of my many endeavors and obsessions over the years, “writer” always has and always will be part of my DNA code. I feel like my entire celestial being took a deep exhale of fresh air after I write. It’s like a drug.

So I’m currently working to strike a balance.

It’s okay to do something just for fun, like working on a plant video. But I should spend more time on my true gifts and callings.

I appreciate the self-awareness and wisdom that I gain as I age. I recognize in myself a tendency to gain and lose interest in hobbies with time, but there are three things I have always been passionate about: writing/literature, Christianity/ministry, and inspiring people through my approach to life as a disabled person. I perhaps should remember that as I contemplate how to spend my time and what I hope to accomplish in my 30’s.

If you made it this far, thank you for taking your precious time to read my ramblings. Know that if you ever experience self-doubt or wonder what your purpose is, you are not alone!