Retrospective Lily

Or, in the words of the ever-iconic Carrie Bradshaw… “Why are we shoulding all over ourselves?”

We have no control over anyone’s behavior besides our own.

This concept seems straight-forward and obvious. Yet we drive ourselves mad by ignoring this simple truth.

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I recently finished an perspective-shifting book called The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins.

Adopting the “Let Them” theory means accepting how others choose to live. Robbins often uses the phrase, “let adults be adults.”

Instead of giving unsolicited advice, or trying to strong-arm someone into changing, or getting worked up because they keep doing or won’t do XYZ, take a deep breath and repeat the golden mantra: “let them.”

The other crucial component is the follow-up: “let me.” Instead of wasting our energy attempting to control people, we should channel that energy into proactively bettering our own lives.

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The “Let Them” theory comes in handy when I grow frustrated with people’s behavior and get judgmental.

They should be grateful when someone helps them instead of acting entitled.

They shouldn’t have waited until the day of the birthday party to buy a present.

They should take better care of themselves.

They should ask themselves before they speak, “will making a snarky comment about hurrying up actually get us out the door any faster?”

They should call me back.

They shouldn’t complain so much.

They shouldn’t hop from one relationship to another.

They should manage their time more efficiently.

These are the kind of thoughts that pop in my head and linger there when I’m not mindful of them.

In certain cases, communication may help. For instance, I could tell someone, “I feel dismissed when you don’t call me back” or “I feel disrespected when you rush me.” But they get to decide whether they take that to heart or not. And I get to decide how I respond to what they do next.

Sometimes, it truly boils down to accepting people as they are. For instance, is it really my place to tell someone not to wait until the last minute to buy a birthday present? Is it my place to dictate when someone starts dating again post-breakup? In other words…I need to mind my own business!

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When a “should” thought crosses my mind, I catch and release it, whispering “let them” as I exhale.

Let them self-sabotage.

Let them misunderstand me.

Let them have the last word.

Let them be cynical.

Let them have different priorities from me.

The better I get at clearing the “should” static in my head, the better I get at focusing on my own dreams and goals.

Let me drink more water.

Let me exercise and eat right.

Let me spend more time in communion with God.

Let me write a memoir.

Let me stick to a monthly budget.

Let me reach out to my friends.

Let me find a caretaker.

Let me visit accessible parks and trails.

Let me work on being the best version of myself.

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I also discern a spiritual lesson here.

Humans are fickle. The temperature is too high? We’re hot. The temperature is too low? We’re cold. Like Goldilocks with the bears’ porridge, we want things to be just right.

We often treat people with that same fickleness. We strive to mold them into the perfect version of who we think they should be, instead of embracing their quirks and giving them grace.

So what if they’re too uptight or too laidback? So what if they talk too much or not enough? So what if they enjoy different books, movies, music, and hobbies than me?

I’m not perfect, but God loves me. Why can’t I do the same for people around me?

Let them be unique individuals. Let me show them radical love and acceptance.