Retrospective Lily

How would YOU define forgiveness?

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As a born and raised Christian, this concept is familiar to me.

Christians believe that God enabled all people to receive eternal salvation by believing in and following Jesus. Jesus, fully man yet fully divine, died for our sins as “the ultimate sacrifice.” Thus, when we confess our sins to God, He casts them as far as the east is from the west (Psalm 103).

We are free from guilt and shame because God offers us the gift of mercy. If we accept this gift, we are then obliged to extend grace to everyone else.

When the disciple Peter asked Jesus, “how often should I forgive a person who sins against me? Up to seven times?” He famously answered, “77 times.”

The number seven signifies completion in the Bible, so 77 basically means “infinity squared.”

(Jesus follows this exchange with a parable that I won’t go into here, but it is profound if you want to read it – Matthew 18:21-35)

In other words, receiving forgiveness necessitates offering it. This line of thinking is best exemplified in the prayer Jesus taught His disciples. He says, “Dear Father, forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.” (Matthew 6:9-13)

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I recently took a Better Help class on the subject of forgiveness. It was intriguing to see the similarities and differences between a spiritual viewpoint and a secular one. (FYI, Better Help is a web-based mental health therapy platform.)

According to the class curriculum, forgiveness means letting go of resentment and anger. However, forgiveness doesn’t necessarily lead to reconciliation.

Even after you let go of resentment towards someone, certain privileges they once had, like access to information about what’s happening in your life, might never be restored.

One primary difference between a spiritual viewpoint and a secular one is the emphasis on boundaries.

Jesus says, “turn the other cheek.” (Matthew 5:38-42) Therapists say, “turn and walk away, if you want or need to.”

Boundaries – guidelines based on our values of what we will or won’t tolerate from other people. We cannot control their feelings or behavior, but we can be proactive rather than reactive in how we respond.

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My opinions on boundaries are nuanced – and, of course, subject to change as I grow older and wiser.

On one hand, I believe an integral part of walking with God is accepting and even embracing suffering and persecution. Or, in other words, be patient and trust in God’s timing to work things out.

We survive our trials by keeping the faith even when it’s hard; suffering produces perseverance, which builds endurance, which develops character, which sparks hope (Romans 5:3-5).

In the context of relationships/boundaries, here are two examples of “embracing suffering” and “being patient” – 1. Show kindness to someone who won’t reciprocate it and even pray for them in order to soften your heart towards them. 2. Give someone encouragement even when you’re feeling petty and have the urge to criticize them.

Basically, make conscious choices to be the bigger person.

On the other hand, I’ve come to understand from a few years of life experience that boundaries are crucial in healthy relationships.

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Jesus’s teachings have multiple dimensions – which is why studying scripture is endlessly fascinating and fruitful.

For instance, check out this passage from Matthew 10. Here, the same man who says “turn the other cheek” also declares “I have not come to bring peace to the world but a sword.”

Jesus is more than just a nice man telling people to hold hands and sing “Kumbaya.” Jesus preaches love, but love is complicated.

Is enabling egregious behavior an act of love, or is it an act of “being nice” aka passivity? Where and how do we draw a line? Does constantly rescuing people from the consequences of their actions help them or hurt them in the long run? Complex questions…

In Matthew 10, Jesus sends out His disciples to preach the good news. He tells them to bestow their peace upon worthy people, but if they aren’t worthy, “shake the dust off your sandals as you leave.”

Considering those words, I believe Jesus wants me to protect my peace. I have to hold other people accountable for their actions and hold myself accountable for teaching them to treat me in a certain way.

(And realize that I, too, have crossed boundaries. I am growing, and I will do better in the future. Hallelujah for second chances.)

We all need to set boundaries, communicate them, and stick to them. And, if people will not abide by them, we can still care about them and wish them the best from a safe distance.

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We also learned in class that forgiveness means extending compassion to the person who wronged us, even if they don’t “deserve” it.

In the process of forgiveness, we might exercise empathy to understand why they behaved in a certain manner. We must also remember that no one is perfect, and we’ve all done things we regretted.

This ethos runs parallel to the Christian concept of “forgiving your neighbor.” Knowing that we, too, have sinned – and that we need the Lord’s compassion, though we don’t “deserve” it – drives us to give mercy freely.

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There are slight differences, but ultimately, forgiveness is applied almost the same way in a religious context or a mental health context.

Perhaps the most pivotal difference is whether you believe it’s a human endeavor or both human and divine. 

Non-religious people must find the tools inside themselves to fight their own battles. Spiritual people seek God’s guidance to help them develop strength, self-control, patience, and peace. 

At any rate, here are reflection questions on my mind this week: Who do I need to forgive? What boundaries do I need to set? Also, I’d love to know your thoughts on forgiveness and boundaries in the comment section.